Fear – A Dialogue with Maria
A discussion about fear is an extremely complex one. From the many types of fears and the various associated disorders—phobias, panic attacks, panic disorder, anxiety—to its dynamic presence in our daily lives.
Fear is rooted in a mix of personal beliefs and convictions, self-reflection, and how we perceive the people and world around us. Most of the time, fear stems from past experiences.
We are talking here about those everyday fears that prevent you from speaking in public, addressing your team at work, facing financial problems and decisions, fearing failure in exams, struggling with an unclear life purpose, feeling lost about the future, or dreading hearing negative things about yourself…
From a coaching perspective, working with fear involves four steps:
Search – in the past
Identify the trigger – in the past
Return and regain control – in the present
Eliminate the fear – in the future
There are two coaching methods I use in fear-related sessions:
The first method (covering the past up to the present) is called Socratic questioning. Here, we search for and identify the trigger of fear.
The second method (starting from the present and moving into the future) is called Cognitive Behavioral Coaching (CBC). This approach helps us control and permanently eliminate fear through the power of thought.
Today, we will focus on Socratic questioning, using a real coaching session example:
Context
A woman (with the fictional name Maria) experienced intense fear at work whenever her boss assigned her greater responsibilities. Maria was highly capable of handling them and even desired such challenges. However, every time her boss assigned her a new project or team, an inexplicable fear overwhelmed her.
The consequence? She missed out on promotions, a higher salary, self-esteem declined, and she felt less appreciated by those around her.
What can be done?
We apply the first two steps of working with fear:
✔ Search in the past
✔ Identify the trigger
✔ Using Socratic questioningCoaching Dialogue with Maria
Rares: Have you ever had situations in the past where you wanted to do something bigger, something out of the ordinary?
Maria: Yes, I lived in a small town, and I really wanted to study journalism in Bucharest.
Rares: And who did you talk to about this?
Maria: With my father.
Rares: And what did your father say when he heard your plan?
Maria: That I had no chance. That it would be a waste of time, that it was too ambitious for me, and that I should choose a university closer to home.
Rares: Tell me, what does your father mean to you?
Maria: My father… well… he is my entire world.
Rares: And how did you feel when you heard this from him?
Maria: I was very upset, I locked myself in my room and started crying.
Rares: And what did you do afterward?
Maria: I gathered my courage and decided to follow my dream anyway.
Rares: And what did you do to pursue it?
Maria: I decided to go against my father and confront him.
Rares: How was it to confront your father? What did you feel?
Maria: I felt very tense. Plus, I developed an immense fear of failing the entrance exam.
Rares: What would have happened if you had failed?
Maria: I was afraid of disappointing him.
Rares: What does it mean to disappoint someone?
Maria: I think it happens when someone loses their good opinion about you.
Rares: You said that you are your father’s entire world, right?
Maria: Yes, that’s right.
Rares: What does “his entire world” mean to you?
Maria: I don’t know, that’s just how I feel—I believe he would have given his life for me.
Rares: But that’s the ultimate sacrifice, isn’t it?
Maria: Yes, that’s exactly what he would have done, I’m very sure.
Rares: And doesn’t that mean that if he is capable of making the ultimate sacrifice for you, he would stand by you both in success and failure?
Maria: Yes, it does.
Rares: Do you think your father could ever have a bad opinion of you?
Maria: Never! He loves me enormously. How can you even ask that?
Rares: But you said that losing someone’s good opinion is what disappointment means.
Maria: That’s true.
Rares: So, your father, who loves you enormously and would give his life for you, would always have a good opinion of you, right?
Maria: Yes, that’s right.
Rares: And if he always has a good opinion of you, that means he would never be disappointed in you, right?
Maria: Yes, you’re right.
Rares: Even if you had failed the entrance exam.
Maria: Hmm… yes… that’s true, you’re right!
Rares: Now that you realize that failing your university exam would not have disappointed your father, do you still fear that failure?
Maria: Not at all. Looking back, I actually feel much more confident. And now that I think about it, I’m convinced he would have been happy for me no matter what.
Rares: If you had listened to your fear and given up on the journalism exam for fear of failing your father, where do you think you would be today?
Maria: Hard to say… but I definitely wouldn’t feel fulfilled.
Rares: What does being fulfilled mean to you?
Maria: Being in a challenging professional environment, being surrounded by many friends, having financial stability.
Rares: How do you feel now?
Maria: Relieved. Because I just realized how important it is to analyze a decision from multiple perspectives and not to assume the consequences...
Rares: Maria, can we celebrate now?
Maria: I was waiting for you to ask that! 😊
The Relevance of This Dialogue for Maria’s Current Fear
Maria is not actually afraid of new responsibilities. She is afraid of the assumed feeling of disappointment her boss might have if she fails (a present authority figure). Just as she experienced this fear in the past with her father (a paternal authority figure).
The fear of disappointing someone is an overwhelming emotion, isn’t it?
Once Maria realizes that even in the case of failure, her boss wouldn’t actually be disappointed in her (we will explore this in the next blog post, covering steps 3 and 4), she will understand that she merely assumed this based on a past experience (we will also discuss limiting beliefs in another post).
This realization will make her confident, courageous, and motivated to reach her full potential (remember what fulfillment means to Maria!)—and, most importantly, happy!
See you in the next episode! 😊
